Watching them breath

Last week I had a breakthrough. Partway through teaching the required flow I actually started to see the practicing students breathe. This is BIG! Like, quantum physics big for me. When I first started this training I had to take a lot of what the instructors said to us on faith. That is, I couldn't really see how it was going to work, but I had to believe that they knew what they were talking about. Why else would I fork over my VISA to take the course? But so much of what we are learning is about coming out of your head and speaking to what you see, and that concept is alien and unwelcome to me. How in the world am I supposed to move them through a flow class if I'm not staying in my head? How can I be a good yoga teacher if I don't talk like a yoga teacher? You know, soft and low like an Enya song. Well, it turns out that if I know my stuff I can get out of my head and start seeing my students in real time. I was so tickled by this that I held them too long in some pretty strenuous poses. Ooops! Obviously I still have a lot of work to do.

We had another guest teacher who introduced us to the Anatomy and Physiology side of yoga. Now this might as well have been quantum physics. I actually took notes, but I don't think they're very good. At one point I asked him to clarify something I thought I'd written down verbatim and he responded that he didn't say that. Which just proves a point I made in an earlier blog: note-taking doesn't help me! Anyway, it was all incredibly interesting and overwhelming but the bottom line is that every system in the body affects each other and all systems are affected by the practice of yoga. Imagine that even on the most basic level, the cellular level, sections of DNA (genes, characteristics) can be turned on or off by something called an epigenome. And the epigenome basically determines which genes are expressed and which are not throughout our lifetime. This epigenome is influenced by external factors and our reactions to them such as stress, toxic environments or chemicals, and even relationships. Even more fascinating is the thought that we can control our reactions through breath, meditation, and a strong asana practice!

Wow!! Pretty heavy stuff!

I do like how "matter of fact" this training is. As much as I like to be petted I'm still my mother's daughter and she raised me to be practical. And though I can appreciate the spiritual nature of yoga I can't see myself lighting candles, chanting and flowing from a plain of one-ness with the universe on a regular basis. I get sad, angry, disappointed, lonely, insecure and depressed every now and then and I can see the value in looking at those reactions through clear and pragmatic eyes. My instructors are very insistant on this subject. I have to constantly examine the stories I tell myself in my head. About how people are reacting to me and what they are thinking or saying when I can't really hear it. I shouldn't always assume it's about me, or that it's negative, or that I can influence someone else in any way. Just do my thing and move on.

I may not make everyone happy. That's a hard lesson for a teacher to learn. Especially a wannabe yoga teacher. But I know it's going to be a valuable lesson to have under my belt. So I'll watch them breathe, speak to what I see in the moment and and try with each new class to be exactly who I am, talk in my own voice and not hold them in side plank too long. :)

The authentic yoga teacher

I'm not being myself. At least that's what I was told after I taught during the last weekend session. Feedback like that confuses me. I understand what they're saying, but I'm not sure how to give them what they want. Being "authentic" is one of those touchy-feely-soulsearchy-shareyourdysfunctionalchildhood sort of things. Been there, done that and * yaaaawn * not interested in doing it again. And what if my "authentic" self is an asshole? I guess that depends on who you ask. I already know that I'm sarcastic and too direct for my own good. I tend to say things to people that they may not want to hear, like "You could stand to buy a new bra, the twins are riding low". Imagine that personality teaching a yoga class and it seems to me it only spells disaster. So, what now? I looked around and saw that I wasn't the only one taking in my feedback with confusion and not a little panic. That helped some. I'm going to have to get back to you on how this goes. It seems like it will take more than a few trials-by-fire to fully understand what they're looking for.

We, as in the students, are all getting more comfortable with being in front of the group, which is nice. There's a level of trust that comes in handy when you're leading the class and the teachers are throwing suggestions at you as you're trying to focus and keep the flow going. Sometimes we just desolve into laughter. Like when one of us got up to teach and sounded like a cross between Ernest Angley (toupee wearing evangelist from the '80's) and Dolly Parton. Now SHE was authentic! And she laughed along with us even when the teachers kept telling her to stop sounding like a carnival barker-- "STEP right up folks!" But she was sincere and we all love(d) that about her.

Our assigned chakra this time was the root chakra. Located at the base of the spine and accessed between our most private parts at the floor of the pelvis this power center grounds us in matters relating to the physical and material world. Our stability, security, courage and patience come from here. The negative aspects of this chakra are self-centeredness, insecurity, violence, greed, anger and...believe it or not....constipation. To make it even better, we're getting all this information from Cute Tattoo Guy. Now, I don't know about you, but the only person I want to talk about this part of my body with is my gynocologist! And even then it's not a comfortable conversation, and I only want to do it once a year.

Oh God, I think I'm whining! Argghhhhhh! Have....to....stop!

Does this mean that I don't even like my authentic self?

Sharing vs Receiving

We have some really groovy teachers, in my humble opinion. Great senses of humor, nurturing (but not mothering) spirits, open and inclusive. They drink caffeinated beverages, beer and wine and curse like sailors when the situation calls for it. Now that's MY kind of teacher! But they are definately the "teachers" and they proved it today. We gathered our mats in a circle and were called at random to lead the class through the first three poses--child's pose, down-dog and rag-doll. After each there was a time to critique the person who led and learn from what they did right and what they didn't get quite right. One of the students was not into being critiqued. She became defensive and talked over the teachers, trying to explain away all of their constructive criticisms. Our teachers handled it with calm and humor and still she continued to escalate. When told that the point of the exercise was to hear the critique and she didn't need to respond the student said "Well I just thought we were sharing, my understanding was that it was about sharing." At which point one of the teachers looked at her, very seriously, and said "Baby, this is not "sharing" time for you. You are receiving."

Yikes!! Put down your racket Serena 'cause you just got served.

Now maybe it's because I remember when Jimmy Carter was President --Oh hell, I remember when Watergate was going on 'cause that's all they played on TV, pre-empting my regular after-school programs--but my whining days have long been over. I've raised my kids past the whining stage, and I'm not interested in entertaining any whining neices, nephews or neighbors. So, I couldn't help a small woohoo in my head when "Serena" subsided to mumbling unhappily.

The other really great thing about our teachers is that they will happily admit that they don't know it all. So they have lined up some "special" instructors who have a niche or a topic that they are especially knowledgeable about. So we learned about Prana (energy, breath), Pranayama (controlling the breath), meditation and chakras from Cute Tattoo Guy. Now, even if he hadn't made this knowledge interesting and accessible (which he did) it would have been worth listening to him for 2 hours just to get the guided meditation at the end. It was like a big ole Marguarita waiting at the end of the rainbow. And guess what, this is the best part, CTG is going to be back every Sunday that we meet to cover each chakra individually. I'm really hoping he'll do a guided meditation at the end of every class. Or, maybe even a massage or facial. Wow! This fantasy's gettin' better by the minute.

When I left after my first full weekend of training I was happy with my decision to start this process. And I'm looking forward to going back. I know I have alot to learn from, not just the teachers but my fellow students as well. The sharing and receiving will be equally important. I just need to figure out how to tune out the whining!

Two words

One of our instructors gave us an assignment today, well it was more like "something to think about" and it's not really due until the end of the program in March, and we don't really have to share it with anyone if we don't want to. Hmmmmm. Anyway, here's the "assignment", if I could send a postcard to everyone in the world that had only two words on it what words would I choose. She seemed to think it would take us the whole time to decide on the two words and that we would change our minds before the end. Maybe I will. But I knew right away, with certainty what those two words would be, and I'll tell you at the end of this post. My head is so full from yesterday that I'm not sure anything else will fit in it today. We learned about the different styles of yoga, where the styles originated and who developed them. And we spent time touching on the 8 limbs of Yoga which we will be studying in much more detail as the weekends unfold. For the first 2 hours the other students (all, like, 70 years younger than me) wrote furiously in their notebooks or made footnotes in their training manual. They are fresh faced, not-long-out-of-college, deligent note takers. Heads down, nose in the book, making sure that they've quoted or paraphrased everything being said. God bless 'em they'll probably graduate with honors from Yoga School, if there is such a thing. Me? I used to be a note taker in school. But I haven't been in school for 50 hundred years and I was a solid C student even with all that intense scribbling. So I figure "what the hell" I'm just going to listen. Always the visual and tactile learner, I'd rather DO than DOCUMENT. I can't tell you how freeing that was for me! Like not taking a camera on vacation. Men won't understand that, but women (especially mothers) will. Finally it came time to learn how to teach the first three poses--child's pose, down dog, and rag doll (forward fold). Everything I knew, or thought I knew, about teaching these poses and flowing between one and the other was thrown out the window. We couldn't just learn what to say to move our students into the poses. We had to learn how to look at each student and then choose what to say and how to say it based on the various physical clues we observe when we look at them. By that time, almost no-one was writing in their notebooks. How can you put on paper something that may be only a feeling or impression you have of the person? Once we partnered up to try our hand at teaching, I was surprised how comfortable I was with not knowing what I was doing. Starting from scratch with nothing but a heightened sense of physical empathy, probably from having daughters, was oddly comforting and enjoyable. I don't think my partner, who is all of twelve and a half, thought so. She was quite anxious to do it again and again until she got it right. She's gonna be a Yoga Honor Student or drive herself crazy trying. So, what are my two post card words? LOVE YOURSELF. Maybe that will change, but I don't think so.

Where to start....

Yoga has always been my sort of go-to for stress relief. When I had my children and my significant other (henceforth known as Joe) and I decided we could afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom (henceforth known as Crazy Woman by 5pm) it didn't take long for me to realize that I was going to need an outlet. And, not just any outlet. It needed to be convenient, simple and not require props or babysitters. So I found my first Yoga tape, a VHS so you know how old I am :), and I put on my shorts and t-shirt during nap time and followed Patricia Walden as she lead me through Yoga For Beginners. I'll admit I did alot of derisive snorting throughout the postures and flows. But the Savasana! Oh the Savasana!!! It was heaven!!! To just lie on the floor with nothing to do but feel my breath move in and out of my body. I didn't know it then, but I was hooked. Since then I have tried running, tennis, swimming, gardening and at times a combination of any or all of the above. But I always came back to the Yoga. Go figure. It wasn't until last year, when I met an amazing teacher named Kristin, that I started to realize my potential. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean that I wanted to stand in warrior and eat only tofu all the time. Practicing with Kristin made it clear that all of my previous concepts of Yoga were limiting me and that I didn't need to strive to be as good as or better than anyone but myself. I'm not flexible, but I'm grounded and have good balance. I know dozens of people who are enviably flexible but have no balance. See what I mean? Well, it was Kristin's idea that I teach and, since both my babies have gone off to college, I have to admit that the suggestion couldn't have come at a better time. So, here I am, stepping off into the unknown, with 12 other students and two teachers whom I don't know from Adam's housecat. But I'm so excited!! I just have to remember to breath....